ramblings

I will not pretend that I am unaware of this blog's pathetic plight. In fact, I've been trying to avoid dropping by my own site, because the slightest sight of its decrepit layout and long-overdue posts and unanswered comments makes me shudder with stomach-churning revulsion.

I have been writing only in sporadic outbursts -- which is not a very good way of imparting one's daily thoughts to his friends, to say the least. Truth be told, I'm still sick. Weak. Empty.

And when I am, I stop thinking. Instead of captivating my senses with the manifold glories of Him in the world He created, I withdraw myself like a hermit crab into the dark and filthy shell-hole that is me -- the other me. And then I squat in that cramped corner, hug my knees with sweaty hands, and listen in utter dejection to everything the other Jef says.

What's more shocking is the almost absolute submission I have to everything he asks me to think and do. To think that I've been a Christian two years already, and yet I still stumble over the very same sins that enslaved me.

In the last chapter of his most famous book, Mere Christianity, CS Lewis wrote: "When you look for yourself (and into yourself, I'd like to add), you will find in the long run (even in the short run) hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay."

Mr. Lewis, you are so right.

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"The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9
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Thank you, my dear friends, for remembering. No, I didn't forget.