Thursday, May 18, 2006

excursus

I wrote this on my notebook a few days ago. But it's not about the Ambassadors program, nor about the first few days of my summer vacation. It's about a far more pressing matter that I need you to be informed about. After all, said one good friend, Christianity is inevitably corporate.

I'm having chest pains.

My heart, ever the desire factory, has been churning out nothing but putrid sludge for the past few weeks. What's worse, there's nothing that I can do about it. I watch helplessly while my own filth threatens to drown me. My heart is hidden in a crevice too deep that's out of reach from my mind's prying hands.

It is impossible to force my fickle heart to love what it despises and despise what it loves. What a tragic discovery this is! I just can't make myself like what I loathe. Desire, hatred, rage, delight -- they are all unpredictably spontaneous. They are the tide on the shores of my psyche.

And so it is with my feelings for Him. I don't desire God right now.

I'd rather be a post-doctoral research fellow in Johns Hopkins, studying cellular and molecular immunology, than be with God. Let alone be a missionary in the steaming jungles of New Guinea, sharing the "Good News" ("What's so good about it anyway?" I ask myself derisively) to a posse of natives who are about to butcher me for dinner.

I don't desire God.

I'd rather enjoy a good laugh watching Raven's antics on Disney channel than sit down and have my quiet time. All those tiny meaningless words on those fragile brown pages of my Bible put me to sleep faster than a handful of Ambien pills.

I hate God. I hate the Light because He reveals my darkness.

I know I deserve to be cast into the deepest pits of hellfire for forsaking Him, the most beautiful and perfect Person that ever was or will be, for something as cheap as a temporary A on my college transcript. Or a three-second high. Or a few extra dollars on my allowance.

And yet, I don't feel remorse, even though I'm still helplessly groping in this dark chasm. Oh, how dead and blind I am not to realize my plight! How wretched, weak and sinfully guilty! Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

5 comments:

jaded scribbler said...

We can only begin to desire a God we know.

Only when we awakened in His love can we truly desire Him. Receive His love jef. His love is just and merciful. It is full and abounds with pleasures forevermore. This love dsiciplines and also cultivates.

He is crazy in love with you.

There is no reason for you not to be crazy in love for Him.

I love you jef.
I'll email you soon beloved. :)

~glenda

Unknown said...

Amen, Glenda.

How foolish I was (and still am) to refuse myself the Fountain of Living Waters, settling instead for empty and broken cisterns!

But praise God for His everlasting lovingkindness! Though I fall, I will not be cast headlong, for the LORD is the One who holds my hand. Ps. 37:24

Please, don't be worried, I will email you shortly, I promise. =D

Anonymous said...

I can actually relate to what you mentioned in your entry. I often found myself wondering whether I was the only one who felt that way. I'd look at my Christians friends and see their passion and fire for Christ, and sometimes I just couldn't find it in me.

Sometimes you can't just force yourself to feel what's not in your heart. (Though you know what your "supposed" to feel.) One thing though, refreshment always has to come from God.

I'm glad for the revival in your heart. For me it was quie a long struggle. But I thank God for the sruggle. I learned a lot--discipline is painful, but the growth it brings is amazing.

Unknown said...

I agree!

We can never desire God no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that He is desirable. Why? Because we are born sinners. We were dead in our trespasses, blind to the Light. We are by nature God's enemies.

It is only by the Spirit's overflowing grace and mercy that we are given new life in Him. The Divine Surgeon gives us, as it were, heart transplants. =D He removes our stony hearts and replaces them with hearts of flesh that beat with a burning passion for Him. (Ezek 11:19)

I am also glad because I know there's at least one person in the world who can relate with my struggles. =D Let us fight the good fight, and let us strive to finish the race that He set before us.

Let us take heart. "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32

in our King's loving arms,
Jef

PS: Can you at least tell me your name? Hehe. But it's OK if you wish to remain anonymous.

Unknown said...

"relate to my struggles..." I mean. Hehe. =D (sheepish grin)